the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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