didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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