It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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