she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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