Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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