I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
