Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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