wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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