Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
