Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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