why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
