anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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