just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
