listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
