I am in a vortex of obligation.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
This house was built for laser tag.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
