oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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