walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
