It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
