I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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