Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
