broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
