failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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