Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
