turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?