I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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