My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
