you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
