I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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