I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
