new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize