he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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