I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
