Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize