So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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