dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i think i have two assholes
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
