dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
