the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
