had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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