I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
