I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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