My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
