I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
