Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
