Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
