He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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