Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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