dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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