First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Randomize
