Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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