Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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