there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize