well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
