I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
