she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize