why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
