im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
