I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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