ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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